The Things I Do

Pain

2010-05-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

And then it comes back to me,
This euphoria of pain.
Companion of this night,
Every night.
The silence of every sound,
The sound of every silence.
Resonating in my eyes
It comes to me.
Just like it never left.
Rejection, refusal, rebuttal,
Thumping itself into existence
With every past pain piling
creating unconquered mountains in my life.
Remember, render, rationalize
Ugliness at its best
Making its mark. Even if it does not exist.
It does exist.
The pain does exist. It only grows.
Then it is outside your being and in your world.
And finally in your breath.
Then you feel heavy, small, insignificant
Misfit.
Tomorrow is another morning
Another day
Another night
Showing you your life
Black & bleak and gory
The pain is again a part of you.

My Elixir

2009-07-21T19:50:00.001-07:00

Purging from my system

Festering in my blood

Stagnating in my stomach

Exploding in my mind

Bitter in my mouth

Swelling my head

Bleeding my heart

Gnawing at my soul

Stabbing my eye

Twisting my neck

Nailing my feet

Tearing my skin

Bursting my lungs

Bloating my body

Lacerating my spirit

Entering these lidless eyes

These tearless windows

This worm-filled mouth

This rotting skin

This hollow body

This black heart

Making it blacker

Burning it to ashes

Mixing it with my rotten blood

And making me drink

My elixir

Origin and us

2006-11-20T06:17:00.000-08:00

One day this will all end and I'll be left thinking about how it all started. The origin will seem very bizarre and unnecessary in the whole sequence of events. Merely one innocent looking scenario but something sinister in its very purpose. In its very origin. And how i responded to it will only seem natural for that situation but totally blunderous to the third eye. It will be like why didn't i see the signs? It was so obvious etc. But then god does this. Being a quiet observer. Mischievous in his pursuit. Seemingly innocent like the very event that started the whole sequence. So then maybe by this analogy, God is the beginning and we are the end. Instruments of this bigger sequence. Merely elements. The egoism we 'exhibit' really doesn't make a difference to the 'events'. I mean the events should have a bigger ego. Something like how natural disasters do. No one can beat them. Even their origination for that matter is entirely small and sometimes infinitesimal. Beginnings can also be shared or broken. God in this equation can be referred to as a sadist. Someone who gets pleasure out of pain. Well, not pleasure. He chooses not to intervene. Actually we cannot blame him completely. He can merely raise his hands above his head and be free of all the blame. It's like he's just decided the starting point. It was the man who took the first place. But we can always say that god decided to place him at a point A rather than B. A being probably more favourable than B. Thereby leading to a better sequence of events. Someone once told me of a movie where the life of a person was shown twice with two different starting points and leading to two different ends. Its marvelous. It would of course be an exciting mixture of excitement and frustration to see yourself doing something unknowingly and tempting enough to reach out your hand and change the hands of the clock, a particular word, a certain action, a certain path etc. But unfortunately, we haven't been given that gift.

2006-09-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

Didnt know what title to give this one, but the first few lines came to me as i was waiting by the traffic signal on my way home.

After a while u dont feel anything
understand 'nothing'
the sameness of nothingness
so omnipresent
so a way of life
to be hollow inside
the fulness of hollowness
engulfing,overpowering
always waiting to drown
you breathe nothing
no scent, no zest, no life
yet you exist
merely as a duty
merely as an obligation
to everyday,every person,everything
The joys and the sorrows of others
so same, yet so different
the sameness-the hollowness of it all
They speak never knowing
never knowing how much
it hurts
How much it does not affect
you bear it all
keep it inside
nurture it,protect it
yet you want to throw it
don't want to feel this
emptiness
So ugly, so faceless
So beautiful, so comforting
So loving, so caring
You want to love it
you want to leave it
Yet it sees you, kisses you,moves in and out of u
giving life
taking life
Nurturing
Destroying
This emptiness
This hollowness
This black hollowness
This insane nothingness

Trapped

2005-12-31T23:37:00.000-08:00

Wild,sensual and beautiful
loves,but is unloved
gives,but is ungiven
cries,but is uncried for
battling with herself
her mind
built by the endless hands of tradition
her soul wants to,
want to give her all it can
wants to make her body alive
she tastes every drop of trust
wishing she didn't have a tongue
She's a wild horse
waiting to burst free
beautiful and fierce
untouched and untamed
Her mind. Her dungeon
like a stone in a wild stream
she stands still
while all that around her fades and goes away
She wants her share
Share of joy,risks and spontaneity
For the thrill that comes form it
comes from none other
She listens
listens quietly
to the endless trials with fate
all theirs
Not hers
She wants them one day
to be all hers
But,
She stays put and
stays behind
like she does not belong
She thinks what is to be gained,
by being truthful,loyal and kind
urging herself to do,
and not to think
well of course its the easy way out
but the easy way is for those who give up
the 'bad' people
Thinks, thinks and thinks of
how bad is bad?
And feels old and wise
but why be so
when those like you are not like you?
'Be young, be wild, be free'
Around and between such words she breathes,
and yet
She is mature
for everyone but her
more like a burden she shoulders
then a crown she adorns
She remains inside
trapped
lest she be soiled
by the unkind hands outside
protected- a little too much
She's precious
She's gold
But gold is also burned
licked by warm, thirsty, hot flames
to give it shape
A shape that is every woman's dream
A dream to be lived
A life
wild, free and beautiful.